The Great Brutish Baker Off: Episode 1

WOOOOOOOOOOOO WHATS UP LOSERS???

BAD BAKER IS BACK! WHAT HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN UP TO? I’D CATCH YOU UP ON MY LIFE SINCE COLLEGE BUT THERE HAVE LITERALLY BEEN SIX DIFFERENT CAMERA CREWS FOLLOWING ME AROUND AT ALL TIMES. ALRIGHT I’LL TELL YOU ANYWAY.

ITS BEEN PRETTY COOL FOR EVERYONE TO GET TO FINALLY KNOW THE REAL ME, YOU KNOW? LIKE FOR PEOPLE TO FINALLY GET TO HEAR MY STORY, YOU KNOW THE ONE ABOUT HOW I was a two-time walk-on that no one respected, hated on by everyone, spat upon by the elite of college football and THEN I ROSE FROM OBSCURITY AND LIT THE BIG 12 ON FIRE AND WON THREE STRAIGHT CONFERENCE TITLES AND WAS A HEISMAN FINALIST THREE TIMES AND I FINALLY WON IT LAST SEASON AND I MADE THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF TWICE but lost both times I played in it and then I was supposed to be a third round draft pick and everyone hated on me again and no one believe in me except the six different camera crews that followed me around at all times and Colin Cowherd made fun of me but through sheer will and determination I ROSE FROM OBSCURITY AND LIT THE NFL DRAFT ON FIRE AND WAS THE TOP PICK AND NOW IM DESTROYING THE CLEVELAND BROWNS TRAINING CAMP AND THE NFL PRESEASON AND IM GETTING ENDORSEMENT DEALS FROM TIGER UNDERWEAR COMPANIES AND THERE’S TWO MORE CAMERA CREWS FOLLOWING ME AND IM A PROFESSIONAL IMPRESSIONIST but I’m still technically the backup QB on a team that has won like one game in the last decade but soon I plan to once again RISE FROM OBSCURITY AND LIGHT THE NFL ON FIRE AND LEAD THE BROWNS TO UNKNOWN HEIGHTS LIKE FOUR OR FIVE WINS AND GET A STATUE OF MYSELF IN CLEVELAND AND MY OWN SITCOM AND I WILL BE NOMINATED FOR THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES BUT I WILL TURN IT DOWN BECAUSE CAMERAS AREN’T ALLOWED IN THE COURT ROOMS.

Anyway, you guys want my Big 12 predictions for the season?

Kansas (0-0) – These fools are so bad it’s insulting. They are so bad at football it broke my brain playing against them, causing me to grab my tiger underwear area and making my face and hand all pixelated. They should not be allowed to play football anymore. I need some more people holding boom mics for all of the camera crews that follow me around, maybe they have like one or two linemen that are strong enough to do that.

Image result for baker mayfield kansas

Kansas State (96-years-old) – Little known fact, Bill Snyder is actually my grandfather. It’s a dirty family secret that we don’t talk about very much. That’s why he allowed me to beat him every time we played, even last season when we had to win in a nailbiter.

West Virginia (whatever-2) – OU’s gotta look good this season so for that they need a big time opponent, I’m saying that’s West Virginia. They’ve got my boy Will Grier at QB, he’s the brother of Vine star Nash Grier. I can appreciate a good social media star, my fiance is an instagram model.

Oklahoma State (Mullet) – Gundy thought he could grow a mullet to defeat the powers of my fu man chu that I would grow out to defeat him, but it never worked. Now he’s cut the mullet, I guess he’s trying to be a little more clean cut to counteract the clean-cut nature of Kyler Murray. Not gonna work buddy.

Texas Tech (Bye Kliff) – Not sure if you guys are familiar with my story but I actually started my career here at Texas Tech as a walk-on. I was the starting quarterback as a walk-on after not receiving many offers to play anywhere else. I was the Big 12 Freshman of the Year, but after some dishonesty and other things that I won’t get into here but will definitely get into but I don’t want to get into but I’ll hint at enough to let you think that I want to get into here but I don’t want to get into here, I transferred to my dream school, Oklahoma. I grew up in Austin, but I was always a fan of…wait, you have heard my story before?

TCU (beat them twice in a month last year lol) – Gary Patterson and I don’t exactly agree on everything. He says I drilled one of his players in the head with a ball…I say that I drilled one of his players in the head with a ball…wait actually we absolutely agree on that. Anyway, I guess TCU’s gonna be good this year but then lose to OU so, pretty much a normal year then.

Baylor (new Kansas) – At least these guys look like a football team. A bad one, but a real, living football team unlike Kansas. So, good for them.

Oklahoma (Undefeated National Champions but it won’t be as impressive as anything I did) – OU IS GONNA GO UNDEFEATED KYLER MURRAY IS GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE HE IS GOING TO WIN THE HEISMAN BUT HE WILL GET JUST A FEW LESS VOTES THAN ME AND HE WILL HAVE JUST A FEW LESS YARDS PASSING THAN ME AND HIS STATUE WILL BE JUST A LITTLE LESS AMAZING THAN MINE.

 

Ok, guess that’s about it I’ve written about every team in the entire Big 12.

Wait, what’s that sound I hear? Do you guys hear a rustling in the distance? Like the sounds of wind rushing through corn fields? No… nooo…oh nooo…..

 

Image result for Matt Campbell iowa state

 

I GOTTA GO GUYS CATCH YOU LOSERS LATER IF YOU NEED ME YOU CAN FIND ME ON HBO, FOX SPORTS, ESPN, INSTAGRAM, SNAPCHAT, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, MASTODON, XANGA, MYSPACE, SEVERAL PAYPHONES, THE YELLOW PAGES, AND ALL NEW EDITIONS OF THE ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA.

 


Wow, thanks to Mr. Mayfield for writing this guest column for us. I hope he returns soon. In the meantime, please sign up for my weekly Big 12 Bullets newsletter. I love you.

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