Great Brutish Baker Off: Texas Sucks Edition

Editor’s Note: I write a weekly newsletter called Bedgood’s Big 12 Bullets and I was attempting to write this week’s when I was interrupted by Bad Baker Mayfield. He forced me to also put this online so here it is. 

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WOOOO WHAT’S UP EVERYBODY?? IT’S BEEN A LITTLE WHILE SINCE I CHECKED IN, HOPE YOU HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME I MEAN IT’S NOT LIKE I WAS THE MOST TWEETED-ABOUT ATHLETE IN THE WORLD A FEW WEEKS AGO. IT’S NOT LIKE I AM THE SAVIOR OF THE WORST FRANCHISE IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS. IT’S NOT LIKE I PULLED THE CITY OF CLEVELAND OUT OF A YEARS-LONG LEBRON-INDUCED DEPRESSION. IT’S NOT LIKE I UNLOCKED A BUNCH OF REFRIGERATORS FULL OF BUD LIGHT SOLELY WITH THE POWER OF MY MIND. I’m not sure if you guys know my story or not but I wasn’t recruited at all out of high school and I was spat upon by all the big time coaches but I OVERCAME ALL THE OBSTACLES AND DUNKED ON EVERYONE FOR THREE YEARS AT OKLAHOMA BUT EVEN AFTER THAT no one believed in me and many people said I wouldn’t be the number one overall pick in the nfl draft AND THEN ROGER GOODELL STOOD IN FRONT OF GOD AND EVERYBODY AND SAID “WITH THE NUMBER ONE PICK IN THE NFL DRAFT THE CLEVELAND BROWNS SELECT BAKER MAYFIELD” AND THEN I WAS THE KING OF THE WORLD except in training camp coach Hue Jackson decided that Tyrod Taylor was better than me and made him the starter BUT THEN I PROVED WHY COACH JACKSON HAS THE WORST COACHING RECORD IN HISTORY BY REPLACING TYROD AGAINST THE WORLD’S GREATEST TEAM THE NEW YORK JETS AND I LED THE BROWNS TO THEIR FIRST VICTORY SINCE THE CARTER ADMINISTRATION AND I EVEN CAUGHT A TWO-POINT CONVERSION PROVING THAT I AM THE GREATEST ATHLETE ON THE PLANET but then the next week the haters came after me again saying that I am no good because I might have turned it over several times in a loss to the Raiders but THEN I ROSE OUT OF THE ASHES LIKE A PHOENIX AND WON THE SUPER BOWL WITH THE BROWNS AND WAS NAMED HEAD COACH/QUARTERBACK BECAUSE COACH JACKSON IS BIG DUMB DUMB BRAINS OK THIS HASN’T HAPPENED YET BUT I’VE SPOKEN IT INTO EXISTENCE SO IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN JUST LIKE I SPOKE EVERYTHING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME INTO EXISTENCE.

Wait, what am I here for? OH YEAH IT’S “TEXAS SUCKS” WEEK. QUICK RECAP FOR THOSE OF YOU SCORING AT HOME IN MY THREE YEARS AS QB OF OKLAHOMA I NEVER LOST TO A TOM HERMAN COACHED LONGHORN TEAM. I’m not sure if you guys are familiar with my story but I wasn’t recruited out of high school in Austin and after walking on at Texas Tech and winning Big 12 Freshman of the Year I then left and went to Oklahoma where I walked on again and won the starting QB job and then I lost to a Charlie Strong-coached Texas team in my first season and the next year I lost to a Tom Herman-coached Houston team BUT I OVERCAME ALL THE OBSTACLES AND DOMINATED CHARLIE STRONG AND GOT HIM FIRED AND THE NEXT YEAR I HUMILIATED TOM HERMAN AND NOW I’M THE QB OF THE WORLD’S GREATEST NFL TEAM.

ANYWAY I BET YOU GUYS WANT MY PREDICTIONS FOR THIS WEEK’S GAME. I AM A GUY KNOWN FOR EXAGGERATING THINGS BUT THIS TIME I WANT TO REIN IT IN AND GIVE A REAL PREDICTION.

Oklahoma 100
Texas -3

APPARENTLY THIS JOKER WHO WRITES THIS USUALLY DOES SOME BULLET POINTS WITH “FUN” FACTS. SO HERE ARE MINE.
 

 

  • KYLER’S OFF TO A PRETTY GREAT START, KIND OF REMINDS ME OF LAST YEAR’S OKLAHOMA QUARTERBACK. EXCEPT KYLER WAS A FIVE-STAR RECRUIT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND LAST YEAR’S QB WASN’T RECRUITED BY ANYONE AND HAD TO BE A TWO-TIME WALK-ON AND OVERCOME…OH, SORRY, I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT.
  • THEY CALL MARQUISE BROWN “HOLLYWOOD” BECAUSE HE’S FROM HOLLYWOOD, FL. HOLLYWOOD, CA IS WHERE THEY MAKE MOVIES AND TV SHOWS. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU GUYS KNOW THIS BUT I HAVE ACTUALLY HAD A FEW SHOWS MADE ABOUT ME WHERE YOU CAN HEAR MY STORY OF BEING A TWO-TIME WALK-ON AND HAVING TO OVERCOME ALL KINDS OF OBSTACLES IN MY LIFE.
  • THEY CALL SAM EHLINGER A “DUAL-THREAT” QB BECAUSE HE BOTH THREATENS TO THROW A PICK 6 AND THREATENS TO GET A CONCUSSION ON EVERY PLAY.
  • SHANE BUECHELE’S GOT A PRETTY COOL STORY SINCE HIS DAD IS A COACH FOR THE TEXAS RANGERS AND HIS BROTHER WAS A BASEBALL PLAYER AT OU. IT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I WON THE INTRAMURAL SOFTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP WHEN I WAS SITTING OUT A SEASON AFTER TRANSFERRING AND WALKING ON FOR A SECOND TIME.
  • WITH RODNEY ANDERSON HURT, OKLAHOMA ONLY HAS FOUR RUNNING BACKS WHO ARE BETTER THAN EVERY PLAYER ON THE TEXAS OFFENSE NOW. WHICH REMINDS ME THAT LAST SEASON IN THE ROSE BOWL AGAINST GEORGIA ON A CRITICAL 3RD AND 1 WE DECIDED TO HAND IT OFF TO BACKUP RECEIVER JORDAN SMALLWOOD INSTEAD OF ONE OF OUR 15 DYNAMIC RUNNING BACKS OR OUR AMAZING FULLBACK OR LETTING ME USE MY UNSTOPPABLE WILL POWER TO GET THE FIRST DOWN. IT’S COOL THOUGH BECAUSE WE THEN HAD THE EASY FIELD GOAL BLOCKED AND WE LOST.
  • LITTLE KNOWN FACT: OU KICKER AUSTIN SEIBERT WAS ORIGINALLY RECRUITED TO OU BY BUD WILKINSON IN THE 1950S AND HAS BEEN PLAYING NONSTOP FOR OU SINCE THEN. AUSTIN’S AN EXCEEDINGLY AVERAGE KICKER WITH A HUGE LEG THAT ALLOWS HIM TO SEND KICKOFFS OUT OF THE BACK OF THE ENDZONE AND MISS 33-YARD GAME-WINNING FIELD GOALS WIDE LEFT.
  • THERE’S TWO GUYS ON TEXAS THAT I’M WORRIED ABOUT: LIL’JORDAN HUMPHREY AND COLLIN JOHNSON BECAUSE THEY ARE BIG RECEIVERS AND OUR DEFENSE HAS PROVEN THAT THE BEST WAY TO BEAT THEM IS TO THROW IT TO BIG RECEIVERS…OR RUN THE BALL UP THE MIDDLE EVERY PLAY…OR THROW IT TO PRETTY MUCH ANY RECEIVER…OR HONESTLY JUST RUN ANY OFFENSE THAT’S NOT AWFUL.
  • FORTUNATELY THE TEXAS OFFENSE IS AWFUL.

BEFORE I GO I WANTED TO SHARE THIS VIDEO OF WHAT I LOOKED LIKE WHEN I PLAYED AGAINST TEXAS.

OH WAIT SORRY THAT’S A VIDEO OF SOMEONE DRIVING THROUGH A FOREST FIRE. BASICALLY THE SAME THING.

SEE YOU LOSERS LATER, IN THE MEAN TIME MAKE SURE TO KEEP UP WITH ME ON INSTAGRAM, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, YOUTUBE, MASTODON, XANGA, TELEGRAM, ANCIENT PAPYRUS SCROLLS, CAVE PAINTINGS, LETTERS WRITTEN WITH A QUILL PEN, SMOKE SIGNALS AND ALL OTHER FORMS OF MODERN AND ANCIENT COMMUNICATIONS.


Wow, thanks again to Bad Baker Mayfield for popping in. If you’d like to sign up for my weekly Big 12 Newsletter, you can do that here.

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