Red River Preview and The Return of Bad Baker Mayfield

 

Check out the OU/Texas preview podcast to get your fill of Red River Shootout content. In these bullets we’ll be discussing the other games happening this weekend.

  • Texas Tech and Baylor face off in the BUTT Bowl this weekend
  • BU vs TT aka BUTT
  • Get it?
  • Pretty funny, I know
  • Anyway I think this will be a good game
  • wait
  • did you guys hear a noise?
  • what is that?
  • Oh…Oh no
  • WHAT’SSSSS UPPPP IT’S MEEEE BAD BAKER MAYFIELD!!!!!! HOW YOU LOSERS DOING??? I’m totally fine. I’ve been trying to keep a low profile and avoiding media coverage whenever possible you know just concentrating on football, trying to win a super bowl and things have been going super good. Like, really good. Don’t bother looking it up because I’m totally killing it. ANYWAY WE AREN’T HERE TO TALK ABOUT ME WE’RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH TEXASSS SUCKSSS. I LOVE HOW TOM HERMAN GOT THE BIG 12 TO PENALIZE THROWING THE HORNS DOWN. GOOD THING I’M NOT THERE ANYMORE BECAUSE I’D RACK UP SO MANY PERSONAL FOULS WE’D BE SNAPPING THE BALL FROM BETWEEN BIG TEX’S EXTREMELY THICC LEGS. wait what is that sound?
  • *Sanctimonious Sam Ehlinger smashes through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man*
  • SSE: Who dares disrespect the rich tradition of the University of Texas at Austin Longhorn Football Program???? You there! Stop! I am performing a citizens arrest! Put your hands behind your back!! Remember what happened last time you ran from the cops??
  • BBM: HEY MAN CHILL OUT GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME I’M JUST HAVING FUN. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM
  • BBM: OH, YEAH I FORGOT ABOUT THAT
  • SSE: I didn’t forget, I don’t forget anything. I remember everyone who has ever thrown the Horns down. You, Kyler Murray, Will Grier, David Sills V, Barry Switzer,
  • BBM: OK MAN WE DON’T NEED YOU TO LIST EVERYONE. OH HEY BY THE WAY GET READY TO LOSE THIS WEEKEND. OU IS FAVORED BY 10 AND I’VE ALREADY PUT AN ENTIRE YEAR’S SALARY ON THIS GAME. MY BOYS ARE GOING TO RUN UP THE SCORE SO BAD ON YOUR OVERRATED LONG…AHH WHAT…*choking sounds*…WHAT…IS *coughing* happening to me
  • *Gloomy Jalen Hurts Appears*
  • GJH: do you know what that is mr. mayfield? that’s rat poison. tastes bad doesn’t it? don’t worry you won’t die, i only gave you a little. but do you see how only a little rat poison can take you down?
  • BBM: YOU’RE CRAZY MAN YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME! I THOUGHT WE WERE ON THE SAME TEAM HERE. SOONER BORN AND SOONER BRED! FINISH IT FOR ME “AND WHEN I DIE I’LL BE…”
  • GJH: i don’t even know the words to that song.
  • BBM: WHATEVER MAN. HOW PUMPED ARE YOU TO DOMINATE THE DUMB DUMB LONGHORNS WITH THEIR HUMAN LEGO FIGURE AT QB?
  • GJH: is that whomst we are playing in this weekend’s contest? i do not look at jersey colors or names when i am studying film. i do not even know the names of teams in our conference. i only look at tendencies and i dream of ways that i can exploit those tendencies with devastating efficiency.
  • SSE: Bob Stoops, Gabe Ikard, Zack Sanchez, Darlene from Ada,
  • GJH: what is this glorified blake bell impersonator talking about?
  • BBM: OH HE’S LISTING ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE EVER THROWN THE HORNS DOWN. ARE YOU GONNA THROW ‘EM DOWN WHEN YOU SCORE YOUR FIFTH RUSHING TOUCHDOWN THIS WEEKEND?
  • GJH: my hands are only used to grip the football and serve soup to the homeless so no i will not be throwing any gang signs this weekend at the game in norman.
  • BBM: THE GAME IS IN DALLAS! AT THE COTTON BOWL! IT’S THE RED RIVER SHOOTOUT DO YOU NOT KNOW ANYTHING??
  • SSE: Billy Sims, Brian Bosworth, one time Matthew McConaughey accidentally did it while high during an Ayahuasca ceremony
  • BBM: SAM PLEASE! ANYWAY, JALEN SINCE YOU CLEARLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS RIVALRY YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW MY STORY SO HERE GOES IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T HEARD i was a star qb in high school but i didn’t get any scholarship offers so i walked on at texas tech AND WON FRESHMAN OF THE YEAR AND WAS AMAZING but dummy kliff kingsbury didn’t give me a scholarship so i left and went to my dream school ou AND STARTED FOR THREE SEASONS AND MADE THE PLAYOFF TWICE AND WON THE HEISMAN AND BECAME AMERICA’S SWEETHEART AND ONE TIME I GRABBED MY CROTCH but then nfl scouts didn’t believe in me and collin cowherd was mean to me BUT I PROVED THOSE HATERS WRONG AND WENT NUMBER ONE OVERALL AND THEN I BROUGHT THE BROWNS BACK FROM THE DUMP AND WE WERE SUPER BOWL FAVORITES but then we actually sucked and were way overhyped and i threw for like 20 yards and 7 picks last week BUT ITS A MINOR SETBACK FOR A MAJOR COMEBACK TO THE SUPER BOWL.
  • SSE: You guys want to hear my story? I grew up a Longhorns fan and it was always my dream to play for the rich tradition of the Texas Longhorns and now I have been the starter for three years and there have been many setbacks like the time we lost to Kansas but I’ve restored the rich tradition and I won the Sugar Bowl and said “We’re baaaaccckkkk.”
  • BBM: MY STORY IS BETTER
  • SSE: Well mine’s not finished yet so
  • GJH: i guess i’ll tell you my story i was 26-2 as a starter at another university i don’t remember the name because i don’t know the name of any school and we were in the national championship game and i lost my job to a hawaiian guy whose dad beats him up if he throws an interception. it really sucked.
  • BBM: WOW MAN THAT WOULD SUCK TO LOSE YOUR JOB LIKE THAT
  • GJH: oh i wasn’t mad about that i deserved it i was upset thinking about the fact that my dad actually loved me and didn’t beat me for throwing interceptions. if i had that kind of discipline i would be more successful. the love of a father is the most dangerous of all rat poisons,
  • BBM: ….
  • SSE: …
  • BBM: OH WOW LOOK WHO IT IS, MY FELLOW HEISMAN TROPHY WINNER KOOL KYLER MURRAY
  • KKM: What’s up fellas? You guys want to hear my story of overcoming adversity? Cool, well I was the greatest high school QB in the history of the United States and I was a 5 Star recruit and I went to Texas A&M but I didn’t like it so I transferred to Oklahoma and I won the Heisman in the only year I played and then I was the number one overall pick in the NFL Draft.
  • SSE: Wait, what adversity did you have to overcome?
  • KKM: Oh, sorry I forgot to say that I was drafted in the Top 10 of the MLB Draft as well so I had to pick which league I wanted to pay me tens of millions of dollars.
  • BBM: ….
  • SSE: …
  • GJH: …money is rat poison
  • BBM: SHUT UP JALEN
  • SSE: I really can’t wait to beat this guy this weekend
  • BBM: YEAH I’D LIKE TO GET AWAY FROM THIS NEGATIVITY. SAM YOU SEEM LIKE A COOL GUY, WANNA GO GRAB SOME WHITE CLAWS AND ARM WRESTLE WHILE LISTENING TO DJ SNAKE?
  • SSE: I thought you’d never ask!
  • *Baker and Sam leave together, Jalen starts squatting a car, Kyler disappears into thin air*

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